As many of you know, my mom died earlier this year. We were estranged and I talked about how I felt being left out of the obituary. Well, a certified letter was delivered a few days ago talking about mom’s will. Of course, I never expected her to leave me anything. I mean, she couldn’t even mention my name in an obituary, right? But I was listed as a “legal heir.”
How My Mom Got Me To Pay For Her Last Jab At Me
So, I called the courthouse to see what the deal was. I assumed I would have to at the very most sign any legal right to anything away to my sisters who would, naturally, be the only inheritants, as they were when mom divided up dad’s stuff after he passed away 15 years ago when I was still speaking to all of them. If I didn’t get anything then, why would I get anything now? I was instructed that I had to actually drive to the courthouse {20+ miles away in town I basically never visit} and pay 50 cents a sheet to see the will}. I told the woman I was sure that I would be getting nothing so couldn’t I just not come and she insisted that I do come.
So, I drove to the courthouse yesterday, paid the $1.50 for the will {it was 3 sheets} to see that, not only was I not left anything, but that, in fact, my mom did remember my name. She mentioned it in the will, at the bottom, with the note, “to whom I leave nothing.”
Nice. I assure you that is only funny in a sitcom. Otherwise, it’s just hurtful. I mean, why mention me at all. It’s her right to leave what she wants to whom she wants, but did she have to do that?
I really thought the obituary would be the last chance mom would get to hurt me. But, I was wrong. You see, it wasn’t about stuff with me. She owned a hoarded, dilapidated house that had been vacant for like 15 years, 2 broken down cars and a camper that a family member had shot and killed himself in. I had no interest in any of that. All I ever wanted was to be loved by this woman that denied me that birthright all my life. I finally got sick of trying so hard to get someone to care about me who just should have without me having to fight constantly to earn it. So, in 2008 I cut ties with her. I just felt the relationship was far too toxic and I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore except hurt.
And I was right. Her actions have assured me of that time and time again.
So, Here Is Something I Want You To Think About
We all die and most of us have no idea when it will happen. I am sure that having a date suddenly blaring at you is scary, but it’s also a luxury that we aren’t all given. It’s a reminder and a chance to focus on what is really important. I hope that if one day I am given advanced warning that I am going to die, that I will be focusing on beautiful memories and trying to make more in what little time I have left. I want to spend that time loving and enjoying those that I am close to. When/if my time becomes very finite and defined, I really hope that I am not consumed with anger and the overwhelming need to hurt others with every last breath.
I hope you all feel the same. If not, please try to. Life is just too short to spend so much of it filled with hate.
I am so sorry for your loss and the situation. It’s the sad that she was so consumed in herself and her hate that she couldn’t see the loss of you. She missed out on knowing you. From your blog, your readers know what a kind and loving person you are. Funny and family oriented. I don’t know the situation with your mother but hug your daughter and realize that you know what love and family mean. That you are wonderful and beautiful….you are….you can tell by your daughter and relationship with her. I hope I’m not overstepping or saying the wrong thing. Take time and let yourself feel whatever but always hug your daughter.
While I agree, there are just some things that I can’t get past. I’ve tried, but I hold a grudge like no one’s business.
Hate is something that is not in my vocabulary and it shouldn’t be in other’s as well. Happiness is the way to lead a fullfilling life and surrounding yourself with like minded individuals does too.
I really needed this today. I just found my mother – whom I haven’t spoken too in some time – is in the hospital with pneumonia. I don’t hate her anymore, but I also don’t feel anything. I sometimes wonder if something’s wrong with me. Do I lack empathy? Am I cold? Or was my abuse as a child coupled with her words, “I said I’m sorry. What more do you want?” the last time we talked finally just become too much. Either way, she’s in the hospital. And I sit here, three states away feeling nothing. I’m not worried about her. I’m more worried that a relative will call, and I’ll have to rehash again why I feel nothing. When parents don’t do what they should, we pay for it forever in some capacity.
Not everyone is meant to be a parent. I have a similar relationship with my father and like you, at this point, feel nothing which sometimes I think is worse than being angry or hurt? I don’t know…I’m certainly no expert. I guess I do feel a little bit bad for him. He’s really missed out on his kids, his grandkids…and some kind of peace. Regardless, I don’t really hold onto grudges or anger, but I don’t forget either. 🙂
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. You’re absolutely right. Life is too short. What makes it great is that it’s often a good thing that apples fall far, far from the tree. Keep your chin up, and know that you are loved.
I remember the story about the obituary and I, too, thought that it’s over. I am sorry that you have to suffer again. I don’t know the story behind her hating you, but I can never imagine a mom doing that to her child. I admire you for being so strong despite all these that happened. You are right, life is just too short to spend so much of it filled with hate.
I am sorry for your loss and for what your mother has put you through. I can’t imagine dealing with that, but I am thinking of you.
Sorry that your mother died and you did not make peace with her by cutting her off you still held your mother accountable for your pain. I understand this is hard but now is the time to make peace and release so you can move on.
Having a bad relationship with your Mom is one of the hardest roads to walk. I pray that you will find peace and continue to lead with love and never let her final jab rob you of your kindness and joy for life!
I’m sorry for your loss. But I understand why did what you had to do. As a mother, when a daughter decides to cut ties with me, I would insist, I would ask her why, I will work on our relationship and not give up. I have no right to judge your mom, but I hope she at least tried to reach out to you while she had the time.
I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. You are absolutely right that life’s too short for hate – I don’t know why everywhere can’t realize that. Why would someone want to die with all of that hatred?
I am so sorry about your loss and they way your mother has treated you. You are so right life is to short for hate, it only harms yourself as well in most cases. x
Ugh, I’m so sorry about your loss and your situation. It is hard to lose a parent, no matter your relationship. Thinking of you at this difficult time.
I had a similar situation with my mother. She and I were on bad terms when she passed away a few years ago. It just made me more determined to be positive and loving.
I have had to let go of things, to save my sanity and well being.
Wow- that is quite the situation. I totally agree that life is too short to hate. I actually think it’s just not worth it. Life is the longest thing we do, from start to finish, why waste any of that precious time on hate?
What a wonderful, enlightening post! Thank you so much – I needed this today to remind myself of the things and people in my life that have hurt me…and to let them go.
I try to love by a positive light. Any person I dislike, I try to avoid. If I must, I will take a deep breath and remember, I only have to put up with them for a short while. I do not hold a grudge.
Oh Dawn, I am so sorry. I am speechless but can totally relate to how you feel. I am sure that when my mother dies I will get what you have gotten. She actually just sent me all the pictures she ever had of me to make sure that I knew I don’t belong. Like Bim though I don’t feel anything anymore. I have cut ties with my entire family this year. I don’t need it and neither do you. I think it is really interesting that so many of us have and feel the same way. I would love to talk to you if you ever want to talk. I am also looking to spend my days ahead with as much love as I can find. Hold your head high, deserve more, you are more, and stuff is just stuff. I wish you love and peace 🙂
Life is definitely too short. I wish everyone realized this.
That is horrible. However, I’m glad you have the strength to rise above it and move on.
Wow, I am so sorry you were treated that way by your mother. I pray every night that my children will know that I love them. I feel bad that you never got to feel loved by the one person who is supposed to love you above all.. And well, that’s was a childish thing to leave in a will. Sounds like she had some of her own issues she needed to work through.
I am so sorry you had that hurt in your life by your own mother. I’ve had to cut ties with several family members. I don’t hate them, I just don’t want them in my life. I certainly wouldn’t try to get one final dig at them when I’m gone, either. You are right. Life’s too short to harbor that much hate!
I have learned this early on in life (thankful) and I refuse to hold in hate or display it. I can control my actions and thoughts to be happy & work everyday to so just that.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the situation but you’re such a brave woman you have a strength to move on and fight despite of your problems
I so dislike that she got that final jab in. That was absolutely unnecessary, but I’m glad you were able to walk away several years back for your own good.
I am really sorry that all of this has happened to you and I hope that you are able to move on from all of this. I hope that you have a good therapist or counselor to help you through it all. We all need someone to talk things through when life deals out hurdles like this.
Sorry for your loss and your relationship with your mom. Hope you can move forward and forgive her
Thank you for sharing your story. Many people may find enlightenment in your words. I may have had misunderstandings with my mom, but things always resolve on their own. I am praying for you. Always take a step forward. Life is good.
I am sorry for you loss and it breaks my heart to read your story further. Yes it’s very true, life is too short for hate. You are so brave, it must be so hard writing this and recalling the hurt that you felt. Thanks for sharing, Sending hugs and prayers.
Life is too short for bad feelings. I’m so looking forward to ditching the dirt and feeling the sun.
I am so sorry, I just can’t imagine how you must be feeling. All you wanted was your mother’s love. You are stronger for being able to push the hate away and focus on living a positive and healthy life.
True, but when it comes to some things I just really don’t deal with. Especially in the family and friend department so instead of hating, I get rid of the toxic and move on! I’m so sorry this has even been part of your life! That is TERRIBLE. When my dad died I remember leaving a comment on your other post about it and being left out of the will too. He left everything to his girlfriend, but to see that on a will? Shameful. I am so sorry.
This is so true and it is so important to stay positive. I love the message in this post.
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine a mother being so vindictive to a child. Life is fleeting and way too short. I am so sorry she was that petty to you. It sounds like you made the right decision back in 2008.
Wow. That broke my heart. Truly.
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I can’t even imagine being that way to my kids. I’m sorry that even in the end things couldn’t be positive between you two. You deserved more.
Well Dawn: This sucks and is extremely mean spirited of her. I am stunned sometimes that people can occasionally be so cruel to each other. Also where are your sisters in all of this? How could they stand by and watch that happen and how could they not speak to her about why her behaviour towards you was hurtful and maybe abusive. I had an amazing Mom who passed away two years ago. I was blessed to have had her as long as I did. My Dad was a deadbeat Dad and I really spent a lot of energy as a young woman being angry and resenting that and feeling ripped off. Eventually I got over that and I felt a lot lighter and able to simply embrace and live my life. My point is exactly what you said here – hate is something that just consumes you and weighs you down. It ends up destroying you and being really negative so I agree life is short – live it with love in your heart. I am so sorry. Everyone deserves loving parents. It’s super sad when that doesn’t happen.
I am so sorry. It must’ve been so gurtful but I’m glad that you are seeing past all the hate and living a positive life.