My mom died last week. We had not spoken in 7 years and were estranged. So, I won’t lie and say that we were close. This post isn’t really about her. What I want to discuss here today is how “getting one over on someone” and “teaching people lessons” hurts people. And those people are not only your intended targets.
The True Cost Of Teaching People Lessons
I was not listed in the obituary. To me, an obituary is a factual representation of someone’s life. It’s not a popularity contest. Whether we were estranged or not, I was still my mother’s daughter. So, I should have been listed. My mother’s sister was listed, though at the end of a string of “special” sisters who are not, in fact, her sisters. And my mother’s sisters and brothers {4 of them} who passed before her were not even mentioned at all. Not even one word.
How confusing is that to people reading an obituary online or in print, trying to decide whether they know this person or not? “Well, I thought she was this person’s sister…”
I am not sure whether this was my mom’s final jab at people she worked so hard at jabbing when she was alive or the decision of people who set up the funeral. Either way, my mom was deceased when the obituary went to paper, so there were people who could have made it right before it was made public. And they chose not to.
I assume the targets of this were me and my aunt {my mom’s sister}. And it did hurt me, at first, so good for whomever is responsible. Then I reminded myself that this is how I expect to be treated by this family and I moved on. However, it hurt a lot of other people like my grandmother who was saddened to read the obituary that didn’t even mention her previously deceased children. She just lost another child. Was there some kind of lesson she “needed to be taught,” too, by suffering through the deaths of 5 out of 6 children?
Someone’s random roommate was mentioned as a “special son,” but my grandmother’s previously deceased children were completely overlooked. I have a hard time believing that this was the sole work of my mother. I choose to think she didn’t spend her time on her death bed thinking about new ways to “teach people lessons,” but who knows. If she did, the person or people who sent the obituary in after she died are not guilt free.
There was also a request for cash at the end. Not flowers. Not donations to a a charity of the deceased’s choice. Cash. That was made a priority.
But not one word about mom’s previously deceased siblings.
I Choose To Be Happy
What I am trying to say is that when you spend your whole life trying to hurt people and “teach people lessons,” you often cause a lot of collateral damage. I believe that we pay for our sins when we die. I try to make things right with people. But sometimes you just can’t and you need to cut ties and move on. Why? Because I choose to be happy. Being around certain types of people will never create happiness. And revenge certainly does not equal happiness. I realize it’s not my place to “teach people lessons.” Just because you are in a position to hurt someone doesn’t mean you should. A better person walks away. I wish others would realize that, too, if for no other reason than to stop hurting innocent victims.
Update: Here’s Where The “Drama” Starts
Earlier this afternoon, my daughter had a private conversation with one of my sisters. So she and my other sister took to the phone tree calling everyone they know, spewing their one sided account of things about how they have been “wronged,” to people who, of course, aren’t critical thinkers enough to fact check before believing the one, embellished side they have heard. They announced all over Facebook about how people are “starting drama,” and made sure to let everyone know they have been “victimized.” Though, not one person has said anything publicly about this {until now} even after at least 5-10 cryptic “drama” {attention-seeking} status updates over the past few days have been posted on at least one of my sister’s accounts.
It’s sad. I wonder how many people felt those messages were directed towards them? From my understanding, they are now fighting with several people, so I guess they finally got the “drama” they kept talking about. Out of context pieces of private conversations between two people have now become public domain to make it a “fair” fight. Because the whole internet ganging up against one or a few is fair, right? No, that is cyber bullying. How dare someone have a different opinion! Yes, this is just another way to “teach someone a lesson.” What happened to two people talking {or arguing} something out? That is a concept that certain members of my family can’t seems to grasp. Every fight has to be stacked and every person who doesn’t agree is “starting drama.”
I guess my mom’s previously deceased siblings were not mentioned since they weren’t “there for her?” Sheesh.
One of my sisters has now threatened on Facebook to “knock a b*tch out” directed towards my daughter. Why? Because she voiced an opinion, privately. Wow. A 30 some year old threatening an 18 year old. Classy. Like I said, there is no discussion with these two. It’s gang mentality or threats of physical violence. This is where I draw the line. Threats of physical violence will no longer be tolerated or condoned. It’s been screenshot and reported to Facebook and I will be reporting elsewhere tomorrow. I am done with this.
Tonight, my daughter and I went out to eat. We worked on the blog. She worked on homework. We watched Being Mary Jane. We had a good night and I had a total of two phone conversations tonight. We did not spend our night calling every family member we know to gossip. If people choose to make up their minds after hearing one side of a story, that’s both good and sad for them. I have more interesting things to do and more interesting people to talk to.
This is just more proof that cutting ties with select members of this family was the absolute right decision.
View Comments (115)
This makes me sad to read this. I choose to be happy too and can't imagine not treating everyone as I would like to be treated. Selfishness got in the way somewhere. I can't understand why all relatives wouldn't be listed either, except for someone's selfish feelings getting in the way. Sad when you really step back and look at it like you have.
This is so sad, but is the reality for so many people. It does make us all appreciate who we do have in our lives.
First off, I am sorry about your mom even though you hadn't spoken in a while. What a shame that you were basically omitted from her life like that in the obit. Very sad.
Thank you Robin. She was a very abusive parent growing up. I have always been omitted, though. They never attended my high school graduation or my college graduation. They didn't throw me a baby shower {but they did throw several for my sister} and the list goes on and on. They've pretty much been in my life only when I have had something to offer them. A few years ago, I wrote a letter to all of them, clearing the air. I let them know how I felt about the way I have been treated {and looked over} and told them if they could not apologize to me and do better, then they were out of my life. Of course, I received no apology or even acknowledgement of the letter - but they did call everyone they knew to let them know how I "wronged" them.
I also let them know how each of them had been talking about each other behind their backs, as well. No matter how they want to spin it, there was no allegiance between them either. THAT is what they are all bent out of shape over. Mom was abusive growing up. They have all done dirty stuff to others and each other. But how dare I call them out on it.
I wish I could hug you right now. I am so sorry about all of this. How pathetic of these people. Making this all about them. What a shame. Regardless, you were her daughter and should have been mentioned. Families like this, which I'm part of one too, don't deserve you. Or your daughter, or any attention what-so-ever. Great for you to blog about though, get others opinions and call these idiots out for real.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and for someone to threaten your daughter - that would be game over for me. Huge big hugs your way. These people don't deserve your time, so please don't let it bother you (hard i know) that's what they want and YOU are WAY better than that.
Thank you so much. Hugs back to you, too. I am sorry to hear that your family is similar.
I'm so sorry about every aspect of this. How disrespectful to omit you and then threaten your daughter. I am trying to choose to be happy also - some people make it very hard. Teaching people a lesson is generally the wrong way to go in life and just spreads negativity.
They make it hard for you to be happy because they are not happy. Sadly, untreated or improperly treated depression and other mental disorders often cause people to behave that way.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom - there are so many sad things going on there. Choosing to be happy is a powerful choice, and resisting the urge to teach a lesson is so difficult sometimes.
I know that you have not spoken to your Mother in many years, but I also know that there must be sadness in your heart. The loss of anyone is hard to deal with. You made some very good points in this article and I am so glad you have chosen to be happy. I think it seems like the easy choice, but I know that it takes much more work to be happy and to not fall into the same "blaming" game that everyone else has fallen in. Take care of yourself, your daughter and your husband, that is all that matters. Thank you for sharing this personal story.
Thank you Cynthia,
It is definitely the hard {and unpopular} choice. People love to gossip to each other in this family - and not little stuff, but mean, heartless, cruel stories. And it's really hard not to join in to "clear my name" when you know that a lot of what is being said is just bold faced lies. However, I know that joining in is not conducive to happiness. It just adds more fuel to the fire. There is no winning with these people and one day I realized they aren't really worth "winning" anyway. There are a lot of fairweather friends in this family, too, always looking for the next gossip fest. I avoid them, as well.
I just want quality, supportive people in my life who have my back and come to me personally and with maturity when there is an issue. That is all.
It is a shame that people gossip and take things to Facebook. Why not take her own advice and deal with this in person... Hypocrite. And threatening Amber? There is no excuse. Not only cyber bullying, but the act of a very immature person.
I hope both you and Amber continue to have happy days. ((hugs))
Thank you very much. Yeah, the Facebook "drama" is just childish attention seeking. But the threatening Amber is crossing the line.
I am so sorry for your loss Dawn.
I have awful family members too. Selfish and self-centred are the only words to describe them.
I am sorry for the family you were dealt in life, too. The funny thing is, our mom was very abusive and a massive hoarder. We always lived in filth and very rarely had even the basic necessities we needed in life. I hated it and left as soon as I could. Yet, somehow, I am the bad one. In our family, when people die, the remaining members forget how the deceased behaved in real life and think of them as saints. It's a very bazaar way of looking at things.
Even after all that, all I ever really wanted was a sincere apology. But even with pretty much a year's advance notice she was dying, she found a way to deprive me {and many others} of that.
I am sorry for the whole situation for you and Amber and hate that this is an article that you have to write. But on the other hand, I am glad to know that you guys are moving forward together!
Thank you so much, Sharon. I rarely talk about them because they are rarely on my mind anymore, but this whole situation has just been so petty - to lots of people - not just me.
Condolences on your mum's passing. You are right, the eye for an eye approach seldom works.